The heavy burden of parental guilt.

It's a very slow day at work today. I've completed my assigned work until Monday and nobody has anything for me to do and are too busy to teach me as they go along. It's fun being new.

I'm feeling decidedly fed up today. Last night was difficult. Ryan had a day off work so J and J were in their pyjamas having hot chocolate when I got home. We sat on the sofa and read some books and they told me about their day. When it came to bed time though they weren't having any of it. Not that they were hugely difficult but they were still talking away upstairs at 10.30pm!

Ben had just fallen asleep and I'd managed to unlatch him without waking him. I decided - foolishly in hindsight - that I'd try and put him in bed upstairs so I could eat my tea in relative peace. He woke the instant I put him down. J and J started to call to me from their bedroom as they'd seen me walking past so I went in to them.

I was tired, frustrated and my tea was getting cold downstairs. I snapped at Joseph and made him cry. I still feel guilty for it now. I apologised immediately and gave him a hug to reassure him, Jack too. He then compounded the guilt by asking me to sing him a song. Ben was crying and my tea was still getting cold downstairs so I explained that I couldn't. It probably wasn't particularly unreasonable of me and he didn't seem to mind too much but I still feel like a horrible Mummy for the whole incident.

Ben finally fell asleep sometime around 12.30am - sprawled out in the middle of our bed like a prince.

I feel sort of between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I put everything into my weekends with them but I still don't see my children enough. An hour in the mornings and 1-2 hours in the evenings. It's too little and I miss them terribly. More so now than I did when I first started the job.

Am I compromising what is best for my children by doing what is best for R and, probably for a variety of reasons, family life as a whole in the future? Is that more important than the here and now?
I don't think I'm ever going to resolve this but I certainly need to find a way of accepting it because it is with a heavy heart that I am doing this currently and that is a slippery slope to climb.

We also need to instigate a more solid routine to our week and foundation to our days. The little things, like making sure tomorrows clothes are laid out the night before, that the washing up is done. Organisation that ensure the humdrum of daily life doesnt encroach on my time with the sprogs. It's not in my nature but I think it might help bring a little more peace to all of us.