A triumphant return

Well, not really triumphant, but a return nonetheless.

I've taken a bit of an internet holiday. I don't know why. It wasn't a conscious decision. I've only really been nipping on to check the news etc at work. Things have been a little rocky lately in NI as I'm sure people will have noticed. Though I'm not sure who these 'people' I'm referring to are since I highly doubt I'm writing to an audience!

Anyway in brief we went to Paris for the weekend, just Ryan and myself, at the end of February. It was lovely. I really enjoyed it though I missed the boys terribly. We walked a LOT, saw all the usual touristy things; the Eiffel tower (which we climbed to the second floor of... it wasn't until I got a few flights of stairs up that I realised my inhaler was at home in N.I), the Louvre, Notre Dame, Champs-Elysees, Arc de triomph and so on and so forth. It has inspired me to learn French beyond a few key phrases. The low point of the trip was definitely within the first hour of arriving. I was walking while staring, transfixed, at a children's theatre with wonderful lights surrounding it and I fell down an uncovered grid into something that smelled suspiciously like sewage. My brand new shoes did not appreciate it. I also forgot my camera but we bought a disposable one so pictures may follow if I ever get them developed.
We also have a holiday booked for Valencia over July which my Mum and Dad (thanking them muchly) have mostly paid for. Travelling with the littlies will be interesting.

I've moved teams at work. I'm now on Property SSP (a projects team) rather than Property maintenance. I coded my first project last week. Completely unaided. I'm quite proud of myself actually. I've managed to fix any problems that arose and get all the documents out on time. Plus it seems to be working as planned though thorough testing has yet to be completed.

Ben is picking up new words all the time and constantly tries to copy things you say to him. He has such a cheeky little impish face and he makes me laugh every day. Jack and Joseph have been learning about shapes. There's also been a lot of playing in the garden in this more pleasant weather. We've planted hyacinths, lavender and violas. They have their own pots with sunflower seeds in them and they have some pumpkin seeds ready to plant later this month. We also have cress growing on the windowsill. I want to grow potatoes. Our soil is awful though. Clay.

I'm feeling rather conflicted as a parent at the moment which I suppose is, in part, what has lead me back here. I feel discipline has been sliding somewhat. Feeling run down, lethargic and stressed has lead to laziness. We've been being rather inconsistent, snapping and reacting inappropriately to both little things and big things alike.
I find it is very difficult to maintain a healthy work-family balance, especially when almost 2 hours of my day are taken up with travelling. I resent it a lot. I think I need an outlet to help me get back on track. I'm fed up of being tired when I get home. I'm fed up of it being their bedtime almost as soon as I get in the door. I'm fed up of being torn between eagerness to get them to bed so I can relax and desperate to keep them up and spend time with them. I need to be able to connect fully with all three of them when I get in; to spend time absolutely devoted to them before bed. To not get sidetracked by silly things like clothes being on the floor or toys not being tidied up properly.
I also need to relax, unwind and make time for myself. To that ends I think I will start practising relaxation techniques and possibly some yoga at home rather than just at my classes. It's always so effective I don't know why I don't make the time and the space for it. I think it could be very beneficial.

I hate money. I hate that it's so depressingly necessary. I hate that I feel as though I'm being robbed of precious years. Will I regret this? They are all at such wonderful stages of development. I just want to be with them during these early years, watching them grow and learn, learning with them, marvelling at the world around them. Honestly, I'm shutting myself off a little by trying not to think about it because when I do I just feel bereft.

Is there a way to balance this? Does anyone ever get used to it?