Unprepared.

It's been a long time since I wrote here which was not my intention when I started it up. In reality the reason is I have been feeling quite down for the last few months. That leads to lethargy and then guilt. Guilt that I'm not doing all I should with the boys. Demotivation. Demotivation to do the house work which is exacerbated by the fact that the house is an absolute tip. Vicious circle. And shouting. Oh how I shout far too much in times like these.

The boys speech has come on so much in the last month. They're still behind for their age I think but I'm so proud of how well they're doing. They have a massive repertoire of words now and, by and large, can communicate most things very well. They're funny and engaging and difficult and wonderful., not to mention incredibly cute.

'Look Mummy, it's my horsie! His name is Donkey'.

They have such distinct personalities and watching them grow and learn new things every day is a constant source of joy and amazement. It's worth all the frustration that comes with having 3 year old twins (and believe me those times are plentiful too!).

Ben loves to copy them. One of their favourite games of the moment is Thundercats (Daddy's influence obviously! Though 80's cartoons are the best...) and they run around waving plastic kitchen utensils and crying 'Thundercats Hooooo!'. Ben chases around after them waving whatever item he can get his hands on and shouting 'oooooooooohhh! ' at the top of his little voice. He's been walking since he turned 9 months and now, at 10 months old, he is so steady and confident on his feet it's unreal. He walks - nay, runs! - everywhere now and crawling is practically obsolete. He can turn, bend over and pick things up and get form a sitting to standing position without needing something to pull up on. Recently he's begun climbing which is a nightmare. Onto the sofa, onto the kitchen table (!!) and out of his highchair. He's such a houdini. It's not safe to leave him anywhere. He's opinionated and demanding and I love him more than I can believe, especially in light of the roller coaster of emotions that was early pregnancy with him. I can't believe he'll be one in 2 months. He's growing up far too fast.

Which brings me to my rock/hard place. I got a job today. It's an excellent opportunity, even if it's nothing like the career I had in mind (and I certainly intend to go back to something like that later). It's a graduate trainee role for a software development company and I start on Monday! I'm so unprepared for this. I don't know whether I was more unprepared for getting the job or for not getting it. But here I am. And I'm dreading it. I have to leave my babies. I"m used to being with them 24/7 and suddenly I'll be missing for a huge chunk of the day. Ben is used to being breastfed on demand! My boobs are used to breastfeeding on demand! I'm sure we'll adjust to feeding when we're together but it's going to be a big shock to the system. For all of us! How am I going to create an acceptable work/family balance? I'm mainly doing it for Ryan. He gave up so much from the day I found out I was expecting the twins. He deserves the chance to achieve what he wants as well and he has worked so hard. Plus we really need the income. Don't get me wrong, a part of me is a little excited. Yes, ideally I would be at home with the boys, full time, until at least school age (which again, ideally I'd like to delay until they're about 7). Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll even enjoy it. At the very least the boys are still going to be in their home environment with a person they know, like and trust. We'll see how it goes. But I'm feeling very weird about it.

I'm going to miss them like crazy. Chances I'll get through the day without crying at least once? Minimal.