Cross, grumpy Mummy.

Feeling ill. Thought I was just a bit wheezy on account of blowing up balloons on Sunday and the fact that my inhaler has run out. But felt like rubbish all day and had to endure work with a missed deadline and that fuzzy, semi-out of body feeling you sometimes get at the onset of minor illness.

Trains were running on a Saturday timetable and then it was delayed by 35 minutes because of 'undesirables' and the police being called. Finally got home at 7.40pm though still feeling positive because of the beautiful, sunny evening.

Got the boys some supper. Story and bedtime for the older two. Struggled for an hour trying to be patient an encourage them to sleep before losing it spectacularly and shouting mean and unreasonable things at them. Stomped downstairs. Toddler surgically attached himself to my leg. Stomped back upstairs with toddler in arms and look of black fury on my face to deal with one crying son and one defiant son. Said some more unreasonable things. Shouted at limpet toddler for daring to wriggle too much in my arms. Felt ill and decidedly UN-sunny.

Apologies, hugs and some soothing words for the older two and they finally quiet into sleep. A 'discussion' about wellington boots and some Mummy milk for the smaller one and he eventually drifts off too.

It's 10pm. I feel wound up and tired. And hungry. I cook tea for myself and the other half. I can't help but resent the fact that during this Daddy and his friend are watching the football/playing a computer game. I also can't help but make it known by continuing to stomp; scowl firmly planted upon my face.

11pm and tea is cooked at eaten. I still need a shower before I can go to bed because my hair desperately needs washing. And so here I am. At 10 past midnight. Not in bed. Not taking a word of advice from my own post below. Not feeling at peace.

Time for sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

Easter Sunday

I have a small boy battling sleep nursing on my knee at the moment so just pictures...

Easter cards



A messy kitchen!



Sunday morning hide and seek.



An egg hunt at Nanny's house







It was a pleasant enough day but I find it trying to be with them at Ryan's Mum's for too long. My authority to make decisions regarding my children wanes into non-existence and they get fed more junk food than I can bear - even when I explicitly state "NO MORE!" They get it sneakily behind my back!
But the boys love their Nanny and Ryan 'doesn't see the harm' so not only am I fighting a losing battle but I'm the bad guy too.

A triumphant return

Well, not really triumphant, but a return nonetheless.

I've taken a bit of an internet holiday. I don't know why. It wasn't a conscious decision. I've only really been nipping on to check the news etc at work. Things have been a little rocky lately in NI as I'm sure people will have noticed. Though I'm not sure who these 'people' I'm referring to are since I highly doubt I'm writing to an audience!

Anyway in brief we went to Paris for the weekend, just Ryan and myself, at the end of February. It was lovely. I really enjoyed it though I missed the boys terribly. We walked a LOT, saw all the usual touristy things; the Eiffel tower (which we climbed to the second floor of... it wasn't until I got a few flights of stairs up that I realised my inhaler was at home in N.I), the Louvre, Notre Dame, Champs-Elysees, Arc de triomph and so on and so forth. It has inspired me to learn French beyond a few key phrases. The low point of the trip was definitely within the first hour of arriving. I was walking while staring, transfixed, at a children's theatre with wonderful lights surrounding it and I fell down an uncovered grid into something that smelled suspiciously like sewage. My brand new shoes did not appreciate it. I also forgot my camera but we bought a disposable one so pictures may follow if I ever get them developed.
We also have a holiday booked for Valencia over July which my Mum and Dad (thanking them muchly) have mostly paid for. Travelling with the littlies will be interesting.

I've moved teams at work. I'm now on Property SSP (a projects team) rather than Property maintenance. I coded my first project last week. Completely unaided. I'm quite proud of myself actually. I've managed to fix any problems that arose and get all the documents out on time. Plus it seems to be working as planned though thorough testing has yet to be completed.

Ben is picking up new words all the time and constantly tries to copy things you say to him. He has such a cheeky little impish face and he makes me laugh every day. Jack and Joseph have been learning about shapes. There's also been a lot of playing in the garden in this more pleasant weather. We've planted hyacinths, lavender and violas. They have their own pots with sunflower seeds in them and they have some pumpkin seeds ready to plant later this month. We also have cress growing on the windowsill. I want to grow potatoes. Our soil is awful though. Clay.

I'm feeling rather conflicted as a parent at the moment which I suppose is, in part, what has lead me back here. I feel discipline has been sliding somewhat. Feeling run down, lethargic and stressed has lead to laziness. We've been being rather inconsistent, snapping and reacting inappropriately to both little things and big things alike.
I find it is very difficult to maintain a healthy work-family balance, especially when almost 2 hours of my day are taken up with travelling. I resent it a lot. I think I need an outlet to help me get back on track. I'm fed up of being tired when I get home. I'm fed up of it being their bedtime almost as soon as I get in the door. I'm fed up of being torn between eagerness to get them to bed so I can relax and desperate to keep them up and spend time with them. I need to be able to connect fully with all three of them when I get in; to spend time absolutely devoted to them before bed. To not get sidetracked by silly things like clothes being on the floor or toys not being tidied up properly.
I also need to relax, unwind and make time for myself. To that ends I think I will start practising relaxation techniques and possibly some yoga at home rather than just at my classes. It's always so effective I don't know why I don't make the time and the space for it. I think it could be very beneficial.

I hate money. I hate that it's so depressingly necessary. I hate that I feel as though I'm being robbed of precious years. Will I regret this? They are all at such wonderful stages of development. I just want to be with them during these early years, watching them grow and learn, learning with them, marvelling at the world around them. Honestly, I'm shutting myself off a little by trying not to think about it because when I do I just feel bereft.

Is there a way to balance this? Does anyone ever get used to it?

Cake tins

Sometimes it's hard to find the time to feel sad when you're so busy with other things. You're always occupied by something else. Your job. Your children. Everything in between. Sometimes you don't realise you are even feeling sad.

Then it catches you completely off guard in the quiet of the evening when you find yourself alone, putting away the dishes and feeling overwhelmed by the sight of a cake tin. And you spend the next half an hour crying into the washing up bowl, your chest knotted with nostalgia and regret.

And you wipe away the tears and make a cup of tea before preparing for tomorrow. Because it is coming and it will be here all too soon.

In Memory

For my Grandma, who died on 27th December 2008.

For my Grandma, who was quiet, kind and patient. Who rarely, if ever that I recall, raised her voice or uttered a cross word.

Who was the most amazing cook. I know nearly everyone thinks this about their Grandparents but it's true. Every Saturday tea time for many many years. Delicious soups and stews with countless loaves of milk roll for dipping. Braising steak that I don't think I'll ever be able to emulate. Chocolate pudding and custard. Apple and rhubarb pie. Bakewell tart. Jam tarts. Flavours and smells that will forever evoke memories of safe, lazy Saturday evenings and full tummies, sitting in front of the fire playing knock-out whist and draughts and watching the football results come in.

Who always had a 'Grandma bag' ready for us to take home on a Saturday evening, full of treats and goodies for the week ahead.

Who knitted cardigans for us as babies and jumpers for us as children, especially the beloved dinosaur jumpers. Mine was stone coloured with a yellow long necked dinosaur. I remember it fondly and wish I still had it.
Who made perfect sized baby clothes for all my dolls.
Who was always reading and regularly picked up second hand books for me. The shelves in my bedroom were full of old copies of Famous Five, Secret Seven and Five Find-Outers books with 25p stickers on them.
Who sat in the sun room with us when it was raining and had 'raindrop races' down the windows.

I regret how little I have seen of all my Grandparents this year. It's sad to see them becoming people I don't know; people that they would not recognise as themselves.

After a difficult couple of years I very much hope she is at peace.

Threefold

Today is not a good day.

It's been a very slow week. I've had nothing to do at work and I've been feeling rather fed up for a variety of reasons that I don't have the energy to go in to.

Today though...

I fell asleep on the train sometime between the last 3 stops and woke up just as the train was pulling out of Belfast central. I ended up standing in Sydenham in the freezing cold and rain waiting for a train back to my stop. I was over an hour late for work. Thank God for flexi time. Though I resent having to work late tonight because of it.

Then Ryan text me about 45 minutes after I arrived saying 'Phone me now'.
Well that was enough to scare the crap out of me. What was wrong? Had something happened to one of the children? Was there a financial problem? What could be so urgent?

It turned out he woke up this morning (it's his day off) and had a large and unusual swelling/lump on his leg. He also feels very breathless and tired. I told him to ring the Drs as those are very weird symptoms that I feel ought to be checked out. They wont' see him til 4.20pm and now I've scared myself with thoughts of DVT and aneurysms. I want him to go to the hospital just in case.

And typically, in my state of stress, I have lots of work coming my way for the first time ALL week. I mean literally I've had nothing to do until now. Why? It's like a phenomenal cosmic joke. I don't even know how to do half of the stuff that is requested of me.

I'm feeling VERY on edge.

At least Ben is better...

Illness and sleep

Ben has been poorly for about a week now and I am thoroughly exhausted. With the exception of the post-birth fiasco we had with the hospital he has never been ill before. It's been quite unnerving actually.

It started last Tuesday. He was fine - and very chirpy in fact - before bed but he woke me up squirming and thrashing at about 1.30am. He had a raging temperature and after an hour of trying to get him to accept milk and cuddles as a means of getting back to sleep I had to get up with him. We spent the night pacing up and down the living room. I stuck a Friends dvd on and eventually we both dozed lightly on the sofa under a cellular blanket.
Wednesday and Thursday were much the same and I took both days off work. He wouldn't let me put him down and refused all food and liquid with the exception of Mummy milk (again, totally unheard of. He's normally a ravenous little monster when it comes to food). I went back to work on Friday as he seemed ok but he relapsed into fever again on Friday night and I spent another night pacing and sofa dozing.

His temperature has been back to normal since Sunday but he's got a hoarse little voice and a rotten throaty cough if that makes sense. He doesn't like to lie flat as often it leads to a little choking episode. My poor little sausage.

However I'm feeling a little under the weather myself now having had almost a week of very limited sleep and the cough/lost voice element that Benjamin has kindly passed on. Unfortunately last night was another where he didn't sleep until 3.30am. I was as patient as could be until about 2am when i snapped and hissed 'Stop it! For the love of God stop it!'. Which just made him cry of course.
I feel bad for taking my frustration out on him. He'd spent ages latching on and off and squirming and kicking me and headbutting me and I was tired and had to get up for work at 7am. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to shush and pat and offer constant milk and cuddles. Sometimes patience and understanding is beyond you. Sometimes you just want the easy way out.

We ended up downstairs again until he fell asleep. I put him into his own bed and we snuggled for a while until I retired back to my own. He must have been exhausted as he slept there without a murmur until just after 8.30am this morning. He didn't even wake with the riot that was J and J barging in there when they woke up and playing in his wardrobe!

He's on the mend anyway and hopefully we'll be back to getting a little more sleep soon. Poor J and J have been somewhat deprived of Mummy attention while I've been constantly nursing the little one so I need to make ammends there as well.

But right now I'm tired and I just want to sleep.